Atlanta

From April 5th, 2013

A  dose of challenge today...
A sprinkle of disappointment...
A slice of joy...
A wedge of confusion...
A shred of impatience...

This is the main course for tonight.

It is a difficult realization that I was ungrateful. But a welcome one. I sat next to a woman in the navy today, on my flight back to CC. Her eyes were glowing and she was fidgeting with impatience to land in Corpus already. She is relieved for a month. Her husband and her family just received the news and are cooking, organizing family time and most importantly, burning with anticipation of her arrival just like she is. Sgt. Gonzales. She is every bit lovely, shy, sweet, young, excited and genuine. She picked me to share her story with. She got married the 13th of February, this year. Left for boot camp next month. She is so in love. She could not wait to get off the plain, and i was a little envious that she had someone meet her here. This brought sweet memories of my arrival in Moscow. How my mom always meets me with flowers. How i see my friends' faces out of a crowd as i descend down the escalator. The ungrateful part comes from me not wanting to be where I am. Not savoring the moment and not being present....And then i get a reminder....I walk into "Bleu Bistro" and Heime, a cheerful waiter with resonating voice yells "N!" across the room. I sit down and instantly feel welcome. It is strange. People are so warm here. I have only dined in this place a hand full of times, but he remembered my name and it was welcoming. That is all i needed from the trip.

My cat, a white, furry hero in disguise, tolerated the trip with a stamina of a work horse. He didn't even utter a weak "meou" he just took it like a man...There was a standing ovation for him when we landed.

Atlanta....
Oh...I am in love again.
Melissa, Paul and Becky...People i have seen last as a 12 year old girl...It was like finding long lost family all over again and bathing in the joy, happiness, pride, feeling of incredible luck and gratefulness for reuniting. It felt so natural, just as if I left a month ago and came back...and we just carried on a conversation like we never parted. Grateful...now a balance.
Paul and his beautiful wive Becky met me at an Ethiopian restaurant after waiting for my arrival for about 30 minutes. I walked in, i wasnt nervous at all i was just really sorry for my tardiness:) I apologized, they made me feel like they just got here too. Here they were. Paul has not changed, just grew a beard. Becky, giant soft brown eyes. I hugged them, sat down and the rest was effortless. Every theme we touched upon, i found soul mates in both of them. I found listeners, friends, family, who experienced similar journey and struggles along the way. Easy it was, like breathing.
The next day i went to see them in Birmingham. Melissa arrived, i was nervous, i was so excited! She hasn't changed either, she hugged me like a mom does, like she use to when i was 12. I fell right into her embrace and bathed in it for a minute or maybe 10. Warmth and a wonderful sense of familiarity is what i felt in the presence of them. I can write about them for days. I shall.

Sarah and Tess:
Coffee Shop.
A good coffee shop is a must of any new city explorer. Copper Coin Coffee is just the place. Right next to Ember Yoga, a space i owe my spiritual come  back and sanity to. Jeff, the owner, a physicist by training, a Yogi by heart and his wife Margaret designed a perfection of a studio, but I will spare the details for later.

Sarah and Tess: College students, Environmentalist and a Cook. Beautiful, so different from each other. Tess, more reserved, softer; Sarah- vibrant, fast..both so kind, genuine, open.
I was sitting, late night, studying a little. Tess came up and brought me a spread of avocado, hummus, pita bread and cheese..."This is for you" - she said. "Because you are our favorite, just don't tell anyone". I felt home again. This is a reoccurring theme for me. The need to come home. And the realization, that i find it everywhere i go. With people like this and the kindest things they do.

A victory. A victory for personal development. There is this PA at my work. I walk in. She is fast, beautiful, very bright, full of herself. I am intimidated. I come up and attempt in a quiet voice to impose some "demands" for anesthesia so that my waveforms are readable. After i state that i would like to run my tests "CONTINUOUSLY" , she asks "CONTINUOUSLY" or "CONTINUALLY"...I blush like crazy and pick the first one i know. I retrieve to my domain in the corner of operating theater and feverishly search google for the definition of both. I realize that Continuously, as i sort of expected...is a continuation with no interruptions, where continually means "with interruptions". I gather my confidence and I tell the PA that i would like to CONTINUOUSLY if it is possible on her end to sustain the anesthesia, but i will be willing to run it CONTINUALLY if it is easier for her. While saying all that, i blush inexplicably again and couple of sweat drops form on my forehead. She looks at me with surprise and a certain sense of well...respect! She smiles with her eyes (i cant see the rest over the mask), tells me that "she is happy to do either one" and from that point on we become very chatty on regular bases whenever we work together! Pretty proud actually, she turns out to be very sweet, extremely good at what she does, fast, and kind. Point of the story...go deeper, beyond insecurity...may win some:)

Now Ember Yoga studio:
What a treat it was to find this place of safety, strong practice, kind hearts, and absolute immersion in the love of yoga. The first thing i goggled when i got to Atlanta was "yoga studio" of course. Thankfully, Ember was the one to pop up. I went there the next day and felt at home. I met Margaret, the owner and designer of the studio as i walked through the doors. She greeted me and even thought i was late , she said it would be OK for me to join the session. The practice was led by Jeff, the owner and as i mentioned before, physicist Yogi. Needless to say i returned every day from then on. They knew my name the second time i stepped in. Variety of classes, hot, deep stretch, relaxation, meditation, yin, 108 sun salutations (with glow in the dark paint and black lights!!), everything to stretch the body, mind and soul. The space itself is completely reflective of the beautiful people who designed and work in there. Large, bright rooms with high ceilings, hardwood floors, stone lined showers. GIANT WINDOWS. As you step inside the meditation begins. I am grateful for finding this space and for developing my practice here. I was honestly transformed. I came out of the month of daily visits with strength within i wasn't aware of, my Asanas became firmer, my mind more focused and i can do things i could not before. Namaste Ember. I will be back.

best meal

Randome scatter

I get surprised everyday, surprised and inspired.

I walked into the lobby of my hotel after a heavy day at the hospital. I inhaled the warm air and the smell of cheese, salad, cheep wine penetrated my nostrils. I wanted all of the above, i was hungry and impatient to fill my belly with something, anything. Being usually quite concious of what i ingest, i decided to go straight for the wine, followed by a small portion of tomato basil soup. The woman standing in the communal kitchen, serving alcoholic beverages smiled at me. I came up and said " to the rim". She nodded, she was so warm, understanding. Non verbal communication is such a bliss. Her name is Nikki. A tall, beautiful, full figured black woman with absolutely radiant smile, and such a kind look in her eyes. A look that you can feel in your soul. She feeds us here. Us, a bunch of strangers staying here for work, school, to get away, to get lost maybe. What can be more carrying then feeding someone? Coming from Russian culture, i say nothing

Contemplation moment:
I have a theory, Luck is just a devotion to positivity...I want to be devoted. I am devoted.

The other day i went to a yoga rave:) . Yes! Yes, there were glow sticks and everything! 108 sun salutations (Suria Namaskara) to music and black lights, with glow in the dark paint on our bodies, sweat and serenity! It was quite wonderful. My shoulders were unaware of my bliss however and persisted to disappoint with soreness the next morning. I fought back with a 10 minute head stands. Shoulders had no other choice then to give up. I won.

The other day. I was studying at the Copper Coin Coffee, one of my favorites in Atlanta. Giant cup of tea, sitting by my laptop as usual. One wrong move. I see the water pouring onto the keyboard of my beautiful, aluminum plated, sleek designed, dual processor, Samsung...Reflexes did not fail. I flip the laptop over, turn off the power and pray for the best. I have never done this before, not throught colledge, not through all the years of my life and i had plenty of opportunities to be incredibly clumsy.
I come home the same night. Having attended a bikram yoga class, in the process of which all my clothing was drenched. I soak my wear in a sink while running water plugging the drain....i leave....to the kitchen...to cook dinner. I turn on the dishwasher...I come back 20 min late into the bathroom. The water is spilling over the edge of a sink...there is a small oceanic formation on my floor. it is the Ocean Floor:)  I throw towels down and absorb as much as i can....Coming back to the kitchen after the previous battle i find my dishwasher overflowing to the rhythmic sound of "spin cycle" ...thank god there was detergent in it. many bubbles. many.

Thought:
Pain is a reality check. I tear myself up over what i did wrong, where and how could i do it differently...point..I didn't and i will not... Point, if taken...be devoted.

I step into a well lit studio. My body aching from the unrest, from my demanding mind to push it further. Evidently the two lost a connection for a while, resulting in suffering inevitably, for both.

I unroll my mat. I sit my legs crossed. A deep sound arises from the base of my belly up, through my chest, stopping there, rattling the chords of heart. Rising higher to the crown of my head. I feel the pulse in my vessels. The practice has begun.

The eyes of March

Quite some time has passed since I written last. Actually a whole new year has pushed its way in.

I am very inspired today and for that I am grateful.

I found a quote by Mother Teresa, one of those "share" wisdom on social media, and she said, "When you judge people, you have no time to love them"...

I have always been a little hesitant to watch, listen, admire Beyonce Knowles. Whatever I have seen of her, never really impressed or deeply effected me.  She seemed not genuine, cold, even conceded at times. I did not have any substantial evidence to make that judgement call upon her character, I just followed the clouds of media gossip that spread far and wide, mixed with some sort of prejudice for popular music and extravagant shows. There was never a time when I invested a minute out of my day to explore her as a musician, as an artist, as an individual. Yes, I had respect for her career and her voice, rendered her quite the good looking lady with a sense of style but not much else.  Well, today, i am in Atlanta in a cozy suite, resting after work. I turn on HBO. To my great disappointment the last scene of "Forrest Gump" just played and the titles run down the screen. It is one of my absolute favorite films, but that is another blog...I am about to turn the TV off and... the documentary on Beyonce comes on. Being driven by the quote from this morning I keep the channel on. I decide to investigate. I start watching her interview. She is a beautiful woman sitting on a couch, no makeup, hair in a tight bun. She radiates light and she is calm, content, and wise. I keep watching, listening to the things she says, I realize that her core strength comes from her family values, her belief in internal power, her conviction that women can do anything and should do ANYTHING on equal grounds with men of this world. I listen to her speak affectionately, warmly, beautifully about how her husband Jay-Z is her best friend. How she went through a miscarriage and it was the hardest thing she had to tackle. How she doubts herself constantly and asks for help, thanks those who carry her through hardship. She speaks of her business side, how she use to give in and suffer from it, but has learned to stand her ground, as a woman, as an artist. To not compromise on the important details that compose her definition of her vision. I hear her say that the only thing you have to do is to be true to yourself, know who you are and grow.
 All of this is not a novelty to my way of thinking. I had no expectation to hear this from her, because I judged. I don't know why I did, and it wasn't the type of aggressive judgement. It was more dismissive bias type, which is potentially worse, since it is born out of virtually nothing, insecurity mostly.
I realize that she is every woman. I come to admire her and this admiration transforms me, by freeing me. I realize how lucky this "coincidence" is. This documentary found me on HBO. I love her now:)

On another note. Yoga.
I meditated today by running on a treadmill while listening to "Chop Suey!" by System of a Down. Yes, make no mistake about it. This was a full on meditation. There is a great article in the Elephant Journal (www.elephantjournal.com), one of more honest outlets for free floating thought by good people.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/10/for-those-about-to-rock-rock-the-fck-on-still-be-spiritual/

Loved every word, EVERY...because you don't have to be a vegan to practice, to meditate, to find peace, to teach others and be taught, to embrace yourself, to free yourself, to be aware.
I came to realize that my practice is the strongest when I don't conform to what I think may be the guidelines of a yoga teacher. "Peace, love, floating in ethereal, philosophical contemplations" type of behavior. I am ONLY talking about my OWN faulty perception here. Perhaps I have not achieved that balance yet and perhaps i never will. Or maybe the opposite. But the point is you do not have to be anything but you to be a solid teacher. And if "you" is defined by eating some rare steak once in a while, listening to some heavy metal and then leading your students through a practice that feeds at least one soul. Well, then good for me. Namaste...

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/03/5-shocking-things-your-yoga-teacher-is-doing-right-now-karla-rodas/

The difference..

it is just remarkable how one day I am at loss for words and quite comfortable with it, and another day isolation makes me fall back into familiar destructive patterns of searching for contact...not necessarily the contact that will promote growth, healing, internal peace, love....but contact that is familiar default...familiar pain...familiar... period....

What drives me to fall back to what i know, what i am use to?? Why? It is discouraging at times but i guess necessary...for finding strength, for reflection. So exhausting though. So unsettling.

I am not reborn, that is not what happens when you look inside...I am something...restless...
and the moon looks in my window...and Bjork's first album is howling in my space. I finally am getting her sound.
I am aggressively aware of my own discomfort...that's something...that's awareness at least.

Fragmented mind.

I have been "silent" for a month now. I was trying to figure out why and came to a conclusion that in the process of self reconstruction there is a need for absence of words, in order to find them again. In order to value them and use them correctly.

I have been going through a transformation of a sort. Through the practice of yoga, increasingly taxing on all the old habits and attachments; through my work with its very much welcome need for excellence; through physical and emotional isolation from what I know and comfort in; through disappointment.

Please do not read it as negative. The fact that change, transformation, rebuilding yields some sort of results is not a secret to anyone. What kind of results on the other hand, may be invigorating discovery. Invigorating also can have several underlying meanings:)

Result #1

I am muted now.
Perhaps because I have nothing worthy to say. Now words have meaning, more so then before. They are heart felt, and therefore harder to utter.

Result #2

I have been learning the lesson of non-attachment. In yoga philosophy and practice, this is the concept that is and will be the hardest for me to grasp. I foresee myself never achieving Nirvana:)(only through Kurt of course http://www.biography.com/people/kurt-cobain-9542179)  and continuously reincarnating into an earthy being...I am OK with that for now.

The way the lesson has been taught to me is in small and big. I have broken, lost and displaced several of my favorite THINGS, that kept me grounded (dependent on them for a sort of comfort).
My kitten Pulya died. That was a blow. Mostly because i have relied on her for external comfort, support, happiness, touch.
My sanctuary, my peace has to be built in the mind, in the heart, inside my own skin. External circumstances, surroundings can aid in the process but are unreliable and cannot substitute the comfort of wholeness within. Weird feeling...Thought I break the silence and finally share something.