The difference..

it is just remarkable how one day I am at loss for words and quite comfortable with it, and another day isolation makes me fall back into familiar destructive patterns of searching for contact...not necessarily the contact that will promote growth, healing, internal peace, love....but contact that is familiar default...familiar pain...familiar... period....

What drives me to fall back to what i know, what i am use to?? Why? It is discouraging at times but i guess necessary...for finding strength, for reflection. So exhausting though. So unsettling.

I am not reborn, that is not what happens when you look inside...I am something...restless...
and the moon looks in my window...and Bjork's first album is howling in my space. I finally am getting her sound.
I am aggressively aware of my own discomfort...that's something...that's awareness at least.

Fragmented mind.

I have been "silent" for a month now. I was trying to figure out why and came to a conclusion that in the process of self reconstruction there is a need for absence of words, in order to find them again. In order to value them and use them correctly.

I have been going through a transformation of a sort. Through the practice of yoga, increasingly taxing on all the old habits and attachments; through my work with its very much welcome need for excellence; through physical and emotional isolation from what I know and comfort in; through disappointment.

Please do not read it as negative. The fact that change, transformation, rebuilding yields some sort of results is not a secret to anyone. What kind of results on the other hand, may be invigorating discovery. Invigorating also can have several underlying meanings:)

Result #1

I am muted now.
Perhaps because I have nothing worthy to say. Now words have meaning, more so then before. They are heart felt, and therefore harder to utter.

Result #2

I have been learning the lesson of non-attachment. In yoga philosophy and practice, this is the concept that is and will be the hardest for me to grasp. I foresee myself never achieving Nirvana:)(only through Kurt of course http://www.biography.com/people/kurt-cobain-9542179)  and continuously reincarnating into an earthy being...I am OK with that for now.

The way the lesson has been taught to me is in small and big. I have broken, lost and displaced several of my favorite THINGS, that kept me grounded (dependent on them for a sort of comfort).
My kitten Pulya died. That was a blow. Mostly because i have relied on her for external comfort, support, happiness, touch.
My sanctuary, my peace has to be built in the mind, in the heart, inside my own skin. External circumstances, surroundings can aid in the process but are unreliable and cannot substitute the comfort of wholeness within. Weird feeling...Thought I break the silence and finally share something.