Friday, November 30, 2012

The difference..

it is just remarkable how one day I am at loss for words and quite comfortable with it, and another day isolation makes me fall back into familiar destructive patterns of searching for contact...not necessarily the contact that will promote growth, healing, internal peace, love....but contact that is familiar default...familiar pain...familiar... period....

What drives me to fall back to what i know, what i am use to?? Why? It is discouraging at times but i guess necessary...for finding strength, for reflection. So exhausting though. So unsettling.

I am not reborn, that is not what happens when you look inside...I am something...restless...
and the moon looks in my window...and Bjork's first album is howling in my space. I finally am getting her sound.
I am aggressively aware of my own discomfort...that's something...that's awareness at least.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Fragmented mind.

I have been "silent" for a month now. I was trying to figure out why and came to a conclusion that in the process of self reconstruction there is a need for absence of words, in order to find them again. In order to value them and use them correctly.

I have been going through a transformation of a sort. Through the practice of yoga, increasingly taxing on all the old habits and attachments; through my work with its very much welcome need for excellence; through physical and emotional isolation from what I know and comfort in; through disappointment.

Please do not read it as negative. The fact that change, transformation, rebuilding yields some sort of results is not a secret to anyone. What kind of results on the other hand, may be invigorating discovery. Invigorating also can have several underlying meanings:)

Result #1

I am muted now.
Perhaps because I have nothing worthy to say. Now words have meaning, more so then before. They are heart felt, and therefore harder to utter.

Result #2

I have been learning the lesson of non-attachment. In yoga philosophy and practice, this is the concept that is and will be the hardest for me to grasp. I foresee myself never achieving Nirvana:)(only through Kurt of course  and continuously reincarnating into an earthy being...I am OK with that for now.

The way the lesson has been taught to me is in small and big. I have broken, lost and displaced several of my favorite THINGS, that kept me grounded (dependent on them for a sort of comfort).
My kitten Pulya died. That was a blow. Mostly because i have relied on her for external comfort, support, happiness, touch.
My sanctuary, my peace has to be built in the mind, in the heart, inside my own skin. External circumstances, surroundings can aid in the process but are unreliable and cannot substitute the comfort of wholeness within. Weird feeling...Thought I break the silence and finally share something.


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I am racing to Hot yoga class. I am already 10 minutes late when I realize that I have made a detour in the wrong direction of the studio. The average speed of the drivers blocking all the lanes of a badly asphalted street is 25mph...Needless to say my "California" plates are not received well tailgating a monster truck in front of me. He breaks, I scream out a profanity in Russian. Eyes crazy, both of us. I manage to pass him by, all at an exhilarating speed of 35mph.

Way to go! "Way to go you, zen-yoga-relaxation-self realization seeker!" I am so NOT zen that I could melt titanium with the determination and intensity that I scale the road ahead. I am proactively anti-zen at the moment. If "Zen" would have seen me coming, it would put a roadblock on my path. Ok, that's enough with Zen.

I rush into the studio. I put my mat down and then I begin Surya Namaskara (sun salutations). The woman in front of me is all warmed up and as she plows her back into inversion, she is emitting the "OHM"'s in slightly different key. They resemble something in between a sound a female organism and a roar of a heavy-lifter bench-pressing 450lb at the gym.
Couple of minutes pass and the noise subsides. It is hot, humid, wonderfully packed. Dimmed lights and a smell of mint-rosemary in the air .I move and start the Ujjayi breath. Long inhale through the nose, warming, slightly forced exhale. I start this wave of air in and out of my body unconsciously. It is rolling inside of my lungs like a gentle tide. I am breathing now. As my spine, hips, legs, arms limbers into the motions I realize that the previous "wild eyed" state has left my body. I AM Zen. I am smooth, calm, focused, kind. I am restored.

Monday, October 15, 2012

"Texas in July"

Life has a way of educating you every once in while, which is often. By accident, like falling into a puddle while texting (never happened to me in Texas two days ago) or with a greater purpose perhaps. Stumble on something that you may have ignored/misunderstood, or worse, judged before, and here you go "lesson in the making".

Judging diverse musical tastes: Lesson 101

One day I wake up listening to Tchaikovsky No. 5, feeling ever so sophisticated, sensitive and profound and the next day I find myself surfing Spotify for some new tracks and I discover "Texas In July's" new album. As I press play, as the screaming sound hits my ears, nose, chest, resonates down to my extremities and makes my insides bleed, I realize....that this is exactly what I needed that very moment...profound? Maybe. Sensitive? Maybe if my eardrums perforate. Sophisticated? like a cup of tea at 5 o'clock - NO. Sophisticated as an overwhelmingly complex mix of raw emotional string cluster? -Yes.

I was never a fan of this kind of music. I was surprised by someone close to me listening to it on regular bases. Loving and appreciating the growing waves of roaring sound, that would resolve into offensively loud dissonance. I was even concerned. I understand now. There is a physical release that comes with each chord, each scream, each percussion exploding your brain (Refer to the album cover, for a visual). Its like someone scratches an itch I had right between my shoulder blades, but I just couldn't reach that far before this sound came and rattled my body.

Right after I listened to "Texas in July"  3 times in a row, torn apart and rebuild by it again, I check out the new Ellie Goulding compilation of 2012 "Halcyon"...And here I am dipping my well manicured toes in the abundant waters of main stream music...Hell, not "dipping"! Diving in head first actually..because I LIKE IT..  Welcome back...judgement free now...

Thursday, October 11, 2012


Once in a while we get a call for an emergency case. Yesterday was such a day. I volunteered in the ER before while going through college, but what a difference when your job actually carries the responsibility in the process of resolving a life/death situation.

18 Years Old. Car accident. Broken Neck. Potential outcome quadriplegia. Its about 9pm and the surgery starts. My partner and I are running the neurophys part of this. It is different with scheduled surgeries, you see the patient, you talk to them, usually they are older, sweet people with lots of degenerative disc disease related pain.You ask them questions, then they share photos of their grand kids with you. Here the story is different. Its a boy, 18, he is small, unconscious, bloody on the operating table. I am hovering over him trying to put needles in as fast as I can, simultaneously wiping off the dirt and stale streams of red liquid. Anesthesia and nurses are working on IV's and everything else. There were six of them in the car. One died before making it to the hospital. Stress level is high, everyone is focused and absolutely in sink with the task at hand and the rest of the group. We are separate but one, going through the motions with a collective conscience. You can call this meditation at work, most will probably disagree but. This IS a state of  heightened awareness, clarity and focus.


Meditation is a practice of concentrated focus upon a sound, object, visualization, the breath, movement, or attention itself in order to increase awareness of the present moment, reduce stress, promote relaxation, and enhance personal and spiritual growth.

We finished around 00:20. 

My Job

I am a Neurophysiologist at several local hospitals in Corpus. I was fortunate to get this opportunity and that is why I temporarily relocated from San Deigo to go through training and gain Operation Room exposure. I have been doing this for a couple of month now and I Do love my job. The way I would summarize my daily "duties and responsibilities", is that I watch the waves.  Basically, surfing the ocean of electricity running through a human body, is my job. Navigating, interpreting, reporting the data of the electromyelograms, somatosensory evoke potentials and motor activity of the central and peripheral nervous system. I majored in Neurophysiology/Neuroscience in college and this position came as such an incredible gift that allows me to be in my field, continue my education on daily bases and help people.

Why I started a Blog from "Yeehaa Land"

I am finally starting this blog, after much contemplation. I wanted to start it when I just made my way to Corpus Christi, Texas from San Diego CA, but there were a few obstacles I had to overcome. Mainly technical, like finding a place to live, getting into the work flow, figuring out life:) so, now that I have ALL :) that taken care of, bravery kicked in to share my story day after day as I am going through this journey. I am planning to fill this space with stories, music, art, things I like and discover here and improvements I make in myself along the way. This blog will also have lots of Yoga wisdom in it as I just started yet another journey to become a certified Hatha, Vinyasa, and Ashtanga yoga teacher. Really, it is more like starting to be a serious student of Yoga. To be a teacher, will take a class and lots of wisdom, now its just me and self contemplation:) I am starting this blog for me to have a recap of joys, rainy days and self reflections, for anyone interested in similar things as I and for anyone who may be sharing same experiences thoughts and feelings.