So you make a grand mistake…the one that you can’t erase no matter how hard you may try, nor can you forget, nor can you redeem yourself. You come to a crossroad, again, and it is starring you in the face, In a form of a flash of memory, or a smell or a scene In a daily life. You realize that your choices are to forgive yourself, but that is also not coming easy and you may never, or you just burry the guilt deep inside and try to do as much yoga as you can to mask the self-mutilating stream of shame driven thoughts. That’s how life is for me. Some days are great and I am miss “Zen” spreading the word of wisdom about how “thy shall love thyself” and “internalize peace”, “breathe”, read lots of wisdom quotes to find the one that will get me through the next 24 hours.
I went through yoga teacher training and it was a therapy group. I needed so badly to catch up. To have this craft under my belt (it sound ridiculous when I write it, because Yoga is life and the way of life, so my “possession” of this “craft” is quite improbable in this lifetime), to one up someone who hurt me. I came out of the teacher training better equipped to numb up my OWN pain. I was looking for help when I entered the doors of the studio. It sounds so weak to me. Looking for help. I remember begging my boyfriend at the time to “Help me”, to “feel sorry for me”. How shameful, how weak, how “everything I don’t want to be”, how “everything I am not”.
I don’t know my lesson in this “grand mistake”. I don’t see the light right now. I only see a monstrous shadow following me around and reminding me of how I FAILED to be brave, how I FAILED to live up to the expectations I had for this event. How I Failed me. And the one I didn’t have.
I was looking in the mirror yesterday in my bathroom and remembered the doctor saying, “ you will never regret it if you have it”. He was right . There is NOTHING to be done any more about this. NOTHING…so I will just keep stepping into the dark and pulling myself out with my practice, books, daring things and a hope that I will have a chance for another chance.
The truth is I hollowed myself out when I had the life inside. It was My choice. My Pro choice. And it kills my soul every single day. It has been almost two years and the pain has not gotten any less. I think the only way I can be whole again is to have a baby. I wish I could blame someone else, like him. He didn’t want it, he didn’t tell me to stop, he didn’t go to the hospital with me. He..he…he….But it was me…me …ME who went and had an a…….