June 15th 2013
I think that my mom with all the love and support she has given me when I was growing up, made a mistake in raising me. She made me believe that everyone around is like her. Kind, gentle, supportive. She also made me believe that she would always be there for me. Unchangeable, like an emotional memory foam mattress. The truth is that none of it is valid. The truth is that she couldn’t be there for me. Mentally, physically, emotionally at the time. This separation of what I learned and what I felt lead me to a derailed conclusion that I should look for support in other relationships, no matter what the cost to me. I feel and felt incomplete because I couldn’t and can’t find support from my biological family. The only person that was there for me all the time was my grandmother, up until recently.
Alone feels alone. Up until this morning I had this dream that I was going to move back to San Diego, to my father’s house and even thought we have never had a solid relationship, I was hopeful that we will build it and start from scratch and my presence will help him and me. Him to know me better and communicate with me and see who I am. And me, to come to a “safe” place and just relax for a second. Something that has been unavailable to me constantly, except for when practice.
The truth for me right now is that there is no one who will complete my loneliness, relieve my struggle. No one I can share the difficulties of my life with and help them with theirs. That is a fact that I feel. I also feel like a fake. I am a yoga teacher and a yoga student. What the philosophy teaches you is that all is one and one is all, and that we are all connected. I feel the opposite right now. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything I know that my chest hurts, physically. I must still be in tune thought with my body, as the physical manifestation of my emotional state is clear.
I don’t want to go back to my father’s house. My understanding of the world and the way people help each other is so different from his. It may be wrong, and he may be right in his approach where everything must and is planned and there is no depth to the constant chatter around him. But I have no energy, nor enough conviction to help him realize anything, nor be a burden on his home life. It feels like that. Like I am an inconvenience, creating problem for him and his manicured life. There are boulders of unresolved pain, fear, anger, frustration all around, but he chooses to ignore them and like a blind horse…charge forward to corporate victories.
My mom is wrong. She believed and believes that people are good. I believed that until this morning. I lost faith. I no longer believe that. I no longer want to believe that. Because the heartbreak is endless and the scars are no longer healing. They just get opened up again and rubbed with some salt.
I don’t want to love today.
I don’t want to love anyone or anything human. Animals are excluded, because they have no malicious intent in them.
I take full responsibility for my pain and the pain I caused others. I probably deserve this. I don’t believe in better, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to sustain myself. I don’t want anything. I don’t care if the pain stops either. I don’t care about music, about art, about yoga, about love, about drive, about neuroscience, about family. I wanted all of this before. I am a devoted unbeliever now. Not liberating at all. Not happy. Just a fist squeezing my heart inside my ribcage.
I know people have it worse, I know I am weak, I am ashamed of being weak and maybe I just don’t deserve anything, any life, Including my own. I am weak now. I now I am not supposed to say that. Because Mahatma Gandhi said “be positive in your thoughts, because they become your words, be positive in your words because they become your actions, be positive in your actions because they become your habits, and be positive in your habits because they become your destiny…”
I need to erase this passage, and move up…that is the only way. I am a fighter if I am nothing else. Just get in a habit of fighting alone as there is no one alongside with you now.