July 18, 2013
I fell asleep while watching “Scrubs” on my tatami style bed...I was blissfully dosing off into a much wanted oblivion after my 10 hour shift at the hospital and a 2 hour nap last night, when my grandmother walked in and somewhat unintentionally started waking me up. She has been wanting to go outside since yesterday, and this was her way of letting me know she was serious. She was waking me up by pretending she didn’t see I was asleep, just repeating my name as she circled the room. I was pissed! PISSED! It took me half a second to open my eyes and rage filled me from my toes to the top of my head! One f*ing thing that I cannot stand is when someone wakes me up! ONE F*ing THING I DIDN’T NEED TODAY! THIS WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK! I snapped at her, fast, sort of furious, asked her to never wake me up again if I am sleeping. (I wasn’t rude though, just sparks of extreme tension in my voice. I love my grandma very much.) She replied in a calm voice that I told her I was going to go to yoga and she woke me up because of that. I got even more infuriated…”nice…leverage THAT argument…” since it left me semi powerless it fueled my rage further.
I dressed quickly, grabbed my bag, walked my grandma outside and went to yoga. I was so angry stepping onto my mat. I greeted the teacher. She looked like a taxi cab, with her black and white plaid leggings and a yellow shirt, like a well groomed taxi cab. More flexible thought. Renee.
My practice was full of anger. I am a yogi. I do yoga. I am angry as hell. I let it out on the mat and afterwards Renee came up and told me my practice was beautiful. I laughed and thanked her. It was a very challenging class. Baptiste style, lots of balance and twists. I struggled to keep my poses and not faint. I haven’t eaten normally for days and was on the verge of fainting, but breathed through it. The darkening in my eyes while flowing made me even angrier and I just clenched my teeth forcing my body to stay up. Hurting, Sweating, swearing inside. If you would take a picture of me at the moment of my Virabhadrasana III (warrior pose) I would bet, the picture would turn out with me surrounded by a dark, hailing could.
I have never been more enraged while practicing. While in Savasana (corpse pose). The thoughts didn’t stop, they bounced off of the walls of my scull like a pack of bats in a cave hunting for millions of tiny buzzing insects. It was an ugly site for me inverted AND introverted. And yet it was beautiful. Anger I guess can be beautiful? Only on the mat?