Thursday, March 28, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Randome scatter
I get surprised everyday, surprised and inspired.
I walked into the lobby of my hotel after a heavy day at the hospital. I inhaled the warm air and the smell of cheese, salad, cheep wine penetrated my nostrils. I wanted all of the above, i was hungry and impatient to fill my belly with something, anything. Being usually quite concious of what i ingest, i decided to go straight for the wine, followed by a small portion of tomato basil soup. The woman standing in the communal kitchen, serving alcoholic beverages smiled at me. I came up and said " to the rim". She nodded, she was so warm, understanding. Non verbal communication is such a bliss. Her name is Nikki. A tall, beautiful, full figured black woman with absolutely radiant smile, and such a kind look in her eyes. A look that you can feel in your soul. She feeds us here. Us, a bunch of strangers staying here for work, school, to get away, to get lost maybe. What can be more carrying then feeding someone? Coming from Russian culture, i say nothing
Contemplation moment:
I have a theory, Luck is just a devotion to positivity...I want to be devoted. I am devoted.
The other day i went to a yoga rave:) . Yes! Yes, there were glow sticks and everything! 108 sun salutations (Suria Namaskara) to music and black lights, with glow in the dark paint on our bodies, sweat and serenity! It was quite wonderful. My shoulders were unaware of my bliss however and persisted to disappoint with soreness the next morning. I fought back with a 10 minute head stands. Shoulders had no other choice then to give up. I won.
The other day. I was studying at the Copper Coin Coffee, one of my favorites in Atlanta. Giant cup of tea, sitting by my laptop as usual. One wrong move. I see the water pouring onto the keyboard of my beautiful, aluminum plated, sleek designed, dual processor, Samsung...Reflexes did not fail. I flip the laptop over, turn off the power and pray for the best. I have never done this before, not throught colledge, not through all the years of my life and i had plenty of opportunities to be incredibly clumsy.
I come home the same night. Having attended a bikram yoga class, in the process of which all my clothing was drenched. I soak my wear in a sink while running water plugging the drain....i leave....to the kitchen...to cook dinner. I turn on the dishwasher...I come back 20 min late into the bathroom. The water is spilling over the edge of a sink...there is a small oceanic formation on my floor. it is the Ocean Floor:) I throw towels down and absorb as much as i can....Coming back to the kitchen after the previous battle i find my dishwasher overflowing to the rhythmic sound of "spin cycle" ...thank god there was detergent in it. many bubbles. many.
Thought:
Pain is a reality check. I tear myself up over what i did wrong, where and how could i do it differently...point..I didn't and i will not... Point, if taken...be devoted.
I walked into the lobby of my hotel after a heavy day at the hospital. I inhaled the warm air and the smell of cheese, salad, cheep wine penetrated my nostrils. I wanted all of the above, i was hungry and impatient to fill my belly with something, anything. Being usually quite concious of what i ingest, i decided to go straight for the wine, followed by a small portion of tomato basil soup. The woman standing in the communal kitchen, serving alcoholic beverages smiled at me. I came up and said " to the rim". She nodded, she was so warm, understanding. Non verbal communication is such a bliss. Her name is Nikki. A tall, beautiful, full figured black woman with absolutely radiant smile, and such a kind look in her eyes. A look that you can feel in your soul. She feeds us here. Us, a bunch of strangers staying here for work, school, to get away, to get lost maybe. What can be more carrying then feeding someone? Coming from Russian culture, i say nothing
Contemplation moment:
I have a theory, Luck is just a devotion to positivity...I want to be devoted. I am devoted.
The other day i went to a yoga rave:) . Yes! Yes, there were glow sticks and everything! 108 sun salutations (Suria Namaskara) to music and black lights, with glow in the dark paint on our bodies, sweat and serenity! It was quite wonderful. My shoulders were unaware of my bliss however and persisted to disappoint with soreness the next morning. I fought back with a 10 minute head stands. Shoulders had no other choice then to give up. I won.
The other day. I was studying at the Copper Coin Coffee, one of my favorites in Atlanta. Giant cup of tea, sitting by my laptop as usual. One wrong move. I see the water pouring onto the keyboard of my beautiful, aluminum plated, sleek designed, dual processor, Samsung...Reflexes did not fail. I flip the laptop over, turn off the power and pray for the best. I have never done this before, not throught colledge, not through all the years of my life and i had plenty of opportunities to be incredibly clumsy.
I come home the same night. Having attended a bikram yoga class, in the process of which all my clothing was drenched. I soak my wear in a sink while running water plugging the drain....i leave....to the kitchen...to cook dinner. I turn on the dishwasher...I come back 20 min late into the bathroom. The water is spilling over the edge of a sink...there is a small oceanic formation on my floor. it is the Ocean Floor:) I throw towels down and absorb as much as i can....Coming back to the kitchen after the previous battle i find my dishwasher overflowing to the rhythmic sound of "spin cycle" ...thank god there was detergent in it. many bubbles. many.
Thought:
Pain is a reality check. I tear myself up over what i did wrong, where and how could i do it differently...point..I didn't and i will not... Point, if taken...be devoted.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
I step into a well lit studio. My body aching from the unrest, from my demanding mind to push it further. Evidently the two lost a connection for a while, resulting in suffering inevitably, for both.
I unroll my mat. I sit my legs crossed. A deep sound arises from the base of my belly up, through my chest, stopping there, rattling the chords of heart. Rising higher to the crown of my head. I feel the pulse in my vessels. The practice has begun.
I unroll my mat. I sit my legs crossed. A deep sound arises from the base of my belly up, through my chest, stopping there, rattling the chords of heart. Rising higher to the crown of my head. I feel the pulse in my vessels. The practice has begun.
Monday, March 11, 2013
The eyes of March
Quite some time has passed since I written last. Actually a whole new year has pushed its way in.
I am very inspired today and for that I am grateful.
I found a quote by Mother Teresa, one of those "share" wisdom on social media, and she said, "When you judge people, you have no time to love them"...
I have always been a little hesitant to watch, listen, admire Beyonce Knowles. Whatever I have seen of her, never really impressed or deeply effected me. She seemed not genuine, cold, even conceded at times. I did not have any substantial evidence to make that judgement call upon her character, I just followed the clouds of media gossip that spread far and wide, mixed with some sort of prejudice for popular music and extravagant shows. There was never a time when I invested a minute out of my day to explore her as a musician, as an artist, as an individual. Yes, I had respect for her career and her voice, rendered her quite the good looking lady with a sense of style but not much else. Well, today, i am in Atlanta in a cozy suite, resting after work. I turn on HBO. To my great disappointment the last scene of "Forrest Gump" just played and the titles run down the screen. It is one of my absolute favorite films, but that is another blog...I am about to turn the TV off and... the documentary on Beyonce comes on. Being driven by the quote from this morning I keep the channel on. I decide to investigate. I start watching her interview. She is a beautiful woman sitting on a couch, no makeup, hair in a tight bun. She radiates light and she is calm, content, and wise. I keep watching, listening to the things she says, I realize that her core strength comes from her family values, her belief in internal power, her conviction that women can do anything and should do ANYTHING on equal grounds with men of this world. I listen to her speak affectionately, warmly, beautifully about how her husband Jay-Z is her best friend. How she went through a miscarriage and it was the hardest thing she had to tackle. How she doubts herself constantly and asks for help, thanks those who carry her through hardship. She speaks of her business side, how she use to give in and suffer from it, but has learned to stand her ground, as a woman, as an artist. To not compromise on the important details that compose her definition of her vision. I hear her say that the only thing you have to do is to be true to yourself, know who you are and grow.
All of this is not a novelty to my way of thinking. I had no expectation to hear this from her, because I judged. I don't know why I did, and it wasn't the type of aggressive judgement. It was more dismissive bias type, which is potentially worse, since it is born out of virtually nothing, insecurity mostly.
I realize that she is every woman. I come to admire her and this admiration transforms me, by freeing me. I realize how lucky this "coincidence" is. This documentary found me on HBO. I love her now:)
On another note. Yoga.
I meditated today by running on a treadmill while listening to "Chop Suey!" by System of a Down. Yes, make no mistake about it. This was a full on meditation. There is a great article in the Elephant Journal (www.elephantjournal.com), one of more honest outlets for free floating thought by good people.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/10/for-those-about-to-rock-rock-the-fck-on-still-be-spiritual/
Loved every word, EVERY...because you don't have to be a vegan to practice, to meditate, to find peace, to teach others and be taught, to embrace yourself, to free yourself, to be aware.
I came to realize that my practice is the strongest when I don't conform to what I think may be the guidelines of a yoga teacher. "Peace, love, floating in ethereal, philosophical contemplations" type of behavior. I am ONLY talking about my OWN faulty perception here. Perhaps I have not achieved that balance yet and perhaps i never will. Or maybe the opposite. But the point is you do not have to be anything but you to be a solid teacher. And if "you" is defined by eating some rare steak once in a while, listening to some heavy metal and then leading your students through a practice that feeds at least one soul. Well, then good for me. Namaste...
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/03/5-shocking-things-your-yoga-teacher-is-doing-right-now-karla-rodas/
I am very inspired today and for that I am grateful.
I found a quote by Mother Teresa, one of those "share" wisdom on social media, and she said, "When you judge people, you have no time to love them"...
I have always been a little hesitant to watch, listen, admire Beyonce Knowles. Whatever I have seen of her, never really impressed or deeply effected me. She seemed not genuine, cold, even conceded at times. I did not have any substantial evidence to make that judgement call upon her character, I just followed the clouds of media gossip that spread far and wide, mixed with some sort of prejudice for popular music and extravagant shows. There was never a time when I invested a minute out of my day to explore her as a musician, as an artist, as an individual. Yes, I had respect for her career and her voice, rendered her quite the good looking lady with a sense of style but not much else. Well, today, i am in Atlanta in a cozy suite, resting after work. I turn on HBO. To my great disappointment the last scene of "Forrest Gump" just played and the titles run down the screen. It is one of my absolute favorite films, but that is another blog...I am about to turn the TV off and... the documentary on Beyonce comes on. Being driven by the quote from this morning I keep the channel on. I decide to investigate. I start watching her interview. She is a beautiful woman sitting on a couch, no makeup, hair in a tight bun. She radiates light and she is calm, content, and wise. I keep watching, listening to the things she says, I realize that her core strength comes from her family values, her belief in internal power, her conviction that women can do anything and should do ANYTHING on equal grounds with men of this world. I listen to her speak affectionately, warmly, beautifully about how her husband Jay-Z is her best friend. How she went through a miscarriage and it was the hardest thing she had to tackle. How she doubts herself constantly and asks for help, thanks those who carry her through hardship. She speaks of her business side, how she use to give in and suffer from it, but has learned to stand her ground, as a woman, as an artist. To not compromise on the important details that compose her definition of her vision. I hear her say that the only thing you have to do is to be true to yourself, know who you are and grow.
All of this is not a novelty to my way of thinking. I had no expectation to hear this from her, because I judged. I don't know why I did, and it wasn't the type of aggressive judgement. It was more dismissive bias type, which is potentially worse, since it is born out of virtually nothing, insecurity mostly.
I realize that she is every woman. I come to admire her and this admiration transforms me, by freeing me. I realize how lucky this "coincidence" is. This documentary found me on HBO. I love her now:)
On another note. Yoga.
I meditated today by running on a treadmill while listening to "Chop Suey!" by System of a Down. Yes, make no mistake about it. This was a full on meditation. There is a great article in the Elephant Journal (www.elephantjournal.com), one of more honest outlets for free floating thought by good people.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/10/for-those-about-to-rock-rock-the-fck-on-still-be-spiritual/
Loved every word, EVERY...because you don't have to be a vegan to practice, to meditate, to find peace, to teach others and be taught, to embrace yourself, to free yourself, to be aware.
I came to realize that my practice is the strongest when I don't conform to what I think may be the guidelines of a yoga teacher. "Peace, love, floating in ethereal, philosophical contemplations" type of behavior. I am ONLY talking about my OWN faulty perception here. Perhaps I have not achieved that balance yet and perhaps i never will. Or maybe the opposite. But the point is you do not have to be anything but you to be a solid teacher. And if "you" is defined by eating some rare steak once in a while, listening to some heavy metal and then leading your students through a practice that feeds at least one soul. Well, then good for me. Namaste...
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/03/5-shocking-things-your-yoga-teacher-is-doing-right-now-karla-rodas/
Friday, November 30, 2012
The difference..
it is just remarkable how one day I am at loss for words and quite comfortable with it, and another day isolation makes me fall back into familiar destructive patterns of searching for contact...not necessarily the contact that will promote growth, healing, internal peace, love....but contact that is familiar default...familiar pain...familiar... period....
What drives me to fall back to what i know, what i am use to?? Why? It is discouraging at times but i guess necessary...for finding strength, for reflection. So exhausting though. So unsettling.
I am not reborn, that is not what happens when you look inside...I am something...restless...
and the moon looks in my window...and Bjork's first album is howling in my space. I finally am getting her sound.
I am aggressively aware of my own discomfort...that's something...that's awareness at least.
What drives me to fall back to what i know, what i am use to?? Why? It is discouraging at times but i guess necessary...for finding strength, for reflection. So exhausting though. So unsettling.
I am not reborn, that is not what happens when you look inside...I am something...restless...
and the moon looks in my window...and Bjork's first album is howling in my space. I finally am getting her sound.
I am aggressively aware of my own discomfort...that's something...that's awareness at least.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Fragmented mind.
I have been "silent" for a month now. I was trying to figure out why and came to a conclusion that in the process of self reconstruction there is a need for absence of words, in order to find them again. In order to value them and use them correctly.
I have been going through a transformation of a sort. Through the practice of yoga, increasingly taxing on all the old habits and attachments; through my work with its very much welcome need for excellence; through physical and emotional isolation from what I know and comfort in; through disappointment.
Please do not read it as negative. The fact that change, transformation, rebuilding yields some sort of results is not a secret to anyone. What kind of results on the other hand, may be invigorating discovery. Invigorating also can have several underlying meanings:)
Result #1
I am muted now.
Perhaps because I have nothing worthy to say. Now words have meaning, more so then before. They are heart felt, and therefore harder to utter.
Result #2
I have been learning the lesson of non-attachment. In yoga philosophy and practice, this is the concept that is and will be the hardest for me to grasp. I foresee myself never achieving Nirvana:)(only through Kurt of course http://www.biography.com/people/kurt-cobain-9542179) and continuously reincarnating into an earthy being...I am OK with that for now.
The way the lesson has been taught to me is in small and big. I have broken, lost and displaced several of my favorite THINGS, that kept me grounded (dependent on them for a sort of comfort).
My kitten Pulya died. That was a blow. Mostly because i have relied on her for external comfort, support, happiness, touch.
My sanctuary, my peace has to be built in the mind, in the heart, inside my own skin. External circumstances, surroundings can aid in the process but are unreliable and cannot substitute the comfort of wholeness within. Weird feeling...Thought I break the silence and finally share something.
I have been going through a transformation of a sort. Through the practice of yoga, increasingly taxing on all the old habits and attachments; through my work with its very much welcome need for excellence; through physical and emotional isolation from what I know and comfort in; through disappointment.
Please do not read it as negative. The fact that change, transformation, rebuilding yields some sort of results is not a secret to anyone. What kind of results on the other hand, may be invigorating discovery. Invigorating also can have several underlying meanings:)
Result #1
I am muted now.
Perhaps because I have nothing worthy to say. Now words have meaning, more so then before. They are heart felt, and therefore harder to utter.
Result #2
I have been learning the lesson of non-attachment. In yoga philosophy and practice, this is the concept that is and will be the hardest for me to grasp. I foresee myself never achieving Nirvana:)(only through Kurt of course http://www.biography.com/people/kurt-cobain-9542179) and continuously reincarnating into an earthy being...I am OK with that for now.
The way the lesson has been taught to me is in small and big. I have broken, lost and displaced several of my favorite THINGS, that kept me grounded (dependent on them for a sort of comfort).
My kitten Pulya died. That was a blow. Mostly because i have relied on her for external comfort, support, happiness, touch.
My sanctuary, my peace has to be built in the mind, in the heart, inside my own skin. External circumstances, surroundings can aid in the process but are unreliable and cannot substitute the comfort of wholeness within. Weird feeling...Thought I break the silence and finally share something.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
I am racing to Hot yoga class. I am already 10 minutes late when I realize that I have made a detour in the wrong direction of the studio. The average speed of the drivers blocking all the lanes of a badly asphalted street is 25mph...Needless to say my "California" plates are not received well tailgating a monster truck in front of me. He breaks, I scream out a profanity in Russian. Eyes crazy, both of us. I manage to pass him by, all at an exhilarating speed of 35mph.
Way to go! "Way to go you, zen-yoga-relaxation-self realization seeker!" I am so NOT zen that I could melt titanium with the determination and intensity that I scale the road ahead. I am proactively anti-zen at the moment. If "Zen" would have seen me coming, it would put a roadblock on my path. Ok, that's enough with Zen.
I rush into the studio. I put my mat down and then I begin Surya Namaskara (sun salutations). The woman in front of me is all warmed up and as she plows her back into inversion, she is emitting the "OHM"'s in slightly different key. They resemble something in between a sound a female organism and a roar of a heavy-lifter bench-pressing 450lb at the gym.
Couple of minutes pass and the noise subsides. It is hot, humid, wonderfully packed. Dimmed lights and a smell of mint-rosemary in the air .I move and start the Ujjayi breath. Long inhale through the nose, warming, slightly forced exhale. I start this wave of air in and out of my body unconsciously. It is rolling inside of my lungs like a gentle tide. I am breathing now. As my spine, hips, legs, arms limbers into the motions I realize that the previous "wild eyed" state has left my body. I AM Zen. I am smooth, calm, focused, kind. I am restored.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ujjayi_breath
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surya_Namaskara
Way to go! "Way to go you, zen-yoga-relaxation-self realization seeker!" I am so NOT zen that I could melt titanium with the determination and intensity that I scale the road ahead. I am proactively anti-zen at the moment. If "Zen" would have seen me coming, it would put a roadblock on my path. Ok, that's enough with Zen.
I rush into the studio. I put my mat down and then I begin Surya Namaskara (sun salutations). The woman in front of me is all warmed up and as she plows her back into inversion, she is emitting the "OHM"'s in slightly different key. They resemble something in between a sound a female organism and a roar of a heavy-lifter bench-pressing 450lb at the gym.
Couple of minutes pass and the noise subsides. It is hot, humid, wonderfully packed. Dimmed lights and a smell of mint-rosemary in the air .I move and start the Ujjayi breath. Long inhale through the nose, warming, slightly forced exhale. I start this wave of air in and out of my body unconsciously. It is rolling inside of my lungs like a gentle tide. I am breathing now. As my spine, hips, legs, arms limbers into the motions I realize that the previous "wild eyed" state has left my body. I AM Zen. I am smooth, calm, focused, kind. I am restored.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ujjayi_breath
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surya_Namaskara
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